Analysis Paralysis — Dating Advice by Chloe
Hey guys, I’m back! Thanks for all the DMs and emails asking about my blog. Thanksgiving and Finals Week collectively kicked my ass. The good news is that I officially survived Thanksgiving as the black sheep of my family AND I am officially finished with my masters degree!! If you see a crazy lady in NYC pushing around a framed diploma in a baby stroller, don’t be afraid to say hi :)
So let’s get on with it, yeah?
People overthink shit, man. Like, A LOT. I could write a whole essay about the psychology behind overthinking — but I won’t, because you probably wouldn’t want to read it and I definitely don’t want to write it. Instead, let’s talk about practical solutions to the plague that is overthinking.
The holidays make us crazy. I’m definitely not immune to the stress of the holiday season, but more importantly, I’ve noticed a sharp increase in anxiety from my clients. They don’t want to be alone for the holidays. They want a date, the spark of a new connection, or the excitement of a new relationship. Within the past two weeks I’ve had dozens of old clients booking appointments to ask me to analyze DM exchanges on dating apps, give them feedback on their Instagram messages, or look through text exchanges after a date. I’ve had a client who wanted me to read through pages of texts and tell him if I thought she was seeing other dudes (he’s actively seeing two other women), and a client who asked me if I thought it would be too extreme for him to MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY to try out the dating prospects there for a few months.
I’ve taken the most common concerns from clients and will use them to (hopefully) soothe your anxiety:
- Response time:
- Don’t intentionally wait hours to respond to her messages- this girl has 50 other options, and she isn’t going to be impressed with how busy and successful you are with women if you take forever to respond to her — she’s just going to message the next guy and completely forget about you.
- She’s responding to you, but inconsistently and super slowly: She is either into more another guy or she’s busy with life stuff and getting to know you is not a priority for her right now. It is almost certainly not a game she is playing with you. Girls on dating apps have hundreds of options, and she probably isn’t intentionally fucking with you. If you want to keep messaging her, sure, go for it. Eventually she’ll start responding faster or stop responding entirely. Move on to someone more deserving of your time.
- She stopped responding to you: How long has it been? Because if it’s been an hour you need to calm down. Three hours? Calm the fuck down. Fives hours? Dude, I said Calm. The. Fuck. Down. 48 hours? Yeah, she’s probably not into you. You have two options: move on or send ONE more message as a Hail Mary and then if you don’t hear from her, move on.
2. Is She Talking to Other Guys?:
- Yeah, she’s probably seeing other guys. Don’t get into your head about it. She’s seeing you too — because she likes you. Be yourself, get to know her, and instead of focusing on whether or not she likes you, try focusing on whether or not you like her. If you do, then just keep building that chemistry. If she’s super into you, she’ll drop everyone else.
3. Does she like you?:
- If she’s not responding to you: probably not man.
- If she’s responding to you, then yeah, she likes you…At least enough to talk to you, but probably a little short of marriage. Things grow into themselves, and relationships grow through stages. It is completely reasonable to be scared during the infant stages of a relationship because things that are very new and very vague are fragile. Your fear is legitimate- but the beginning stages of interaction are necessary. Your job isn’t to fear it, hate it, or stress over it. It’s to live in it. Get to know her. Enjoy taking it one step at a time instead of forcing it to happen faster. So often it is the people who are terrified of the infancy stage of relationships that are constantly forced to live in them- because they never allow themselves to stop overthinking it. Just live in that moment with her and hopefully the two of you will grow out of it together.
Most importantly, give yourself a break. If you don’t find the person of your dreams by Christmas, I promise the world will not end.
As always, hit me up if you need help with online dating or general dating advice, and you can always get a gift card if you have a friend who you think could use a little boost.
Cheers,
Chloe
Originally published at https://www.advicebychloe.com on December 12, 2019.
