Sometimes I feel like being a dating consultant is kinda like being a Medium. I can’t fight the evil spirits for you. I just do my best to warn you and sometimes I have to watch you get eaten for lunch. So, welcome to my instructional guide for how to recognize when the person you’re dating is literally a demon.
Me: I know you like her, but she sounds kinda like a demon.
Client: What? No, you just don’t understand her like I do.
Me: You’ve caught her standing over your bed at night, floating a few feet above the ground, sucking out your soul.
Client: She was just having a really rough day.
Me: and you said you’re pretty sure she ate your dog
Client: I know it sounds bad but it could have been a misunderstanding
Me: I’m not gonna lie, pretty sure you’ve got yourself a Succubus. Pour a circle of salt around yourself and I’ll get some silver.
Client: Yeah, but how do I get her to like me?
How to Spot a Demon
I spend most of my workdays teaching clients how to appeal to women. Sometimes I’m forced into the position of trying to talk a client out of putting himself in harm’s way. I
t’s difficult because my clients hire me to teach them how to gain a lady’s affection- not to lecture them about the dangers of narcissists’. So instead, I’m going to make a list of red flags right here. If you can check off one or more of these red flags you might be trying to fuck a demon.
❑ She’s only interested when you feed her. Demons are hungry little shits and sometimes they’ll give you just enough attention for you to take them out to eat again. Beware of the lady who only wants to go to out to dinner and never pays her way.
❑ She comes and goes as she pleases. A girl who likes you will like you all the time- not just when she’s bored. If your lady love leaves you on read for a week and then texts you all day for 2 days, just to disappear again for another two weeks- you might be dealing with a cloven-hoofed Barbie. Don’t get me wrong, people get busy. However, if she’s really into you she will make time for you.
❑ She’s kinda a dick. Does she make jokes at your expense? Does she gossip about you? Try to humiliate you? Say things to or about you that are just kinda shitty? Teasing and playful banter are great, but if she is laughing at you instead of with you, then I’m afraid you’ve got yourself a demon bud.
❑ You’re paying for her attention. Does she want you to go to the nail salon with her? Shopping with her? Does she show you this super cute thing on Amazon that she really really wants but she just can’t afford right now? Dude, you’re pursuing a spawn of hell.
❑ She is distinctly disinterested in learning about you. Does most of the conversation focus on her? Has she ever asked you a meaningful question about yourself WITHOUT immediately turning the conversation back to her? Does she even remember your last name? I’m so sorry man, but this girl isn’t interested in you… she’s using you as a constant source of attention and validation, and you’re so much better than that.
Have you or someone you know been ensnared by a hell creature? It’s ok, it happens to the best of us. Fortunately, there are three simple steps you can take to cleanse yourself of it.
- Walk Away. I repeat, Walk.The.Fuck.Away. I don’t care how pretty she is or how good she smells, she absolutely isn’t worth your dignity. If she had any respect for you she wouldn’t be treating you so poorly. Fuck her, you don’t need her to like you in order to like yourself. She’s almost certainly selfish in bed anyway.
- Be prepared for her to try to weasel her way back in. You were her source of attention/affection/money/whatever else she was taking from you. Next time she gets hungry for attention she may try to contact you. Please don’t mistake this for true affection. She doesn’t want to be with you, she is feeding on you. Don’t let her! Block her on everything, and move on.
- Create good boundaries, and maintain them. Don’t allow people to take advantage of you with the hope that they might love you for it. That isn’t how love works, it isn’t how sex works, and it isn’t how relationships work.
In all seriousness, respect yourself and expect others to treat you with respect. Just because this particular girl isn’t able to recognize how awesome you are doesn’t mean the next one won’t. Plus, think about how awkward Thanksgiving would be sitting next to her daddy… you know, Satan.
If you’re struggling with finding matches on dating apps, getting responses, or are otherwise struggling in your love life, feel free to check out my reviews and then book an appointment with me. You can also always get a gift certificate for a friend ;)