In Defense of Women! (Well, kind of) — Dating Advice by Chloe

Advice by Chloe
4 min readNov 8, 2019

Why don’t women send the first message? Why are their bios empty? Why are their responses to your messages only a few words? As a human of the female variety I am here to (somewhat) defend our behavior. Online dating is an entirely different experience for women than it is for men. For a lot of men, you’re trying to get matches and responses. For most women, we’re drowning in a sea of them. I’m not denying that it’s easier for women to date online than it is for men, because it is, but it’s also pretty overwhelming.

Ok, so as a female who regularly uses dating apps, this is how it works for us. We get a shit-ton of matches, and swipe our lives away while eating breakfast, when we should be studying/working, and when we take a pee break. Especially when she first signs up for an app, the swiping never ends. You don’t even know how many matches you have because the apps stop counting at 50. Often times, it just says 50+ and you have no idea how close you are to getting through all of them. THEN you start getting messages. Lots and lots of messages… and they all say the exact same thing: “Hey cutie, how are ya?” “What are you up to today?” What are your plans this weekend?” “Doing anything interesting this week?” “Can i c ur tiddies?” So now we have to have the same conversation over and over and over again, with 50 different guys. It becomes tedious, it becomes a job, and it turns us into frazzled crazy people trying to sort out who we could have a connection with from the rest.

She probably isn’t waiting on you to message her first as a power play, she just hasn’t caught up with her unread messages yet. Sending out initial messages to new matches isn’t even on her radar. Her messages to you are short because she’s trying to juggle 50 different conversations, while narrowing down who she’s most interested in. Her bio is empty or lazy AF because she knows she’ll get a crap-ton of matches either way, or she’s realized that most of the men who match with her haven’t read her bio anyway. I’ve done a lot of experimenting with my bio to try and narrow down my matches and I’ve discovered that most of my techniques don’t result in any discernible change — and it’s because most of my matches haven’t actually read my profile. I tried listing my favourite hobbies- but less than 5% of matches mention or ask about them. I then added a blurb asking that we skip the small talk and have a real conversation, but that didn’t alter the messages I receive at all. As a final attempt I decided to be cheeky and added, “If your 1st message is ‘hey cutie’ or asking how my day, week, or weekend is going, I swear by all that is unholy you’ll never see my naked”… and it had an effect on a whopping 7% of the initial messages I receive.

Every woman has her own strategy for online dating, because without strategy we’d either give up altogether or we’d have to commit to making it our full time job. Unfortunately, our strategies generally entail the very things men hate about online dating. It’s not intentional, we’re just trying to make it feasible for ourselves. I’m not saying that women are innocent victims of online dating, or claiming that we haven’t become lazy and ghost-happy — but we also aren’t the game-playing puppet-masters that we’re often assumed to be. We’re just trying to find love and orgasms with someone we’re into, just like everyone else.

Be big, be bold, stand out in a positive and approachable way. Get her attention by sending her a unique message based on her interests. It’ll be a huge breath of fresh air for her, and will dramatically increase your response rate. Hopefully we can find a way to meet in the middle, and then it’ll be love and orgasms for all ;)

If you’d like to learn how to write initial messages that will compel women to respond to you, check out my services or send me a message!

Originally published at on November 8, 2019.



Advice by Chloe

Dating consultant who got her start on Reddit. I write about dating and relationships and I’m always trying to make dating easier for dudes.