Never Run When You’re Scared: Advice For Finding the Woman of Your Dreams and Surviving Various Bear Attacks — Dating Advice by Chloe
What would happen if I wrote my weekly blog high AF (on prescribed meds for a temporary & legitimate reason)? Buckle up buttercup because we’re about to find out!!
The Doctor once said, “Never run when you’re scared, rule number 7!” I don’t remember the first six rules, but the 7th is a pretty good one. He’s right, you shouldn’t run away from things you’re afraid of (unless there’s a Grizzly Bear, he’ll fuck your shit up if you don’t get out of there. I’m from the South, I know my bear facts.). Now you might be asking, “How are a Doctor Who quote and a bear fact related to a dating blog?” Well, just you wait, because I’m going to spin this so good: Dating is scary, just like bears (see what I did there?).
Asking for her number can be scary, and that’s normal. What isn’t normal is a trend I’ve seen with clients who have an unreasonable fear of approaching beautiful women. They tell me that they won’t try to match with women they consider out of their league, they won’t approach them, and they immediately assume that any interaction with them would end in rejection.
Dude, take her off of that goddamned pedestal. She’s just a person. She farts regularly. She even poops on occasion. Guess what? I farted, like, just now.
Let’s move away from poo humor and get down to the nittyshitty:
- DON’T be her puppy. Don’t grovel, she’s not looking for the President of her fan club, she’s looking for a date with a engaging partner. Don’t compliment her appearance excessively. If she’s attractive, she gets hit on all the time. You want to be the guy that’s different. Supplication is never going to work here, if you make it clear that YOU think she’s too good for you, she’ll probably follow your lead. She’s not a fairy princess, she’s just a person. Talk to her like one.
- DO treat her like a human being. There’s a lot of toxic advice out there encouraging guys to ignore women they’re attracted to. It’s bullshit, but there is a (very) small grain of truth. The reason it’s easier to talk to women you aren’t interested in is because you treat them like a person instead of some woodland nymph. Women get objectified by the men they’re dating, like, all the time. Do you know what they don’t get? Conversations about their favourite Doctor, or their stance on whether or not Samwise Gamgee had wet dreams about Frodo’s tiny Hobbit asshole…. Or, you know, whatever she likes to talk about.
Focus on her interests instead of her appearance. (He totally did though, right? And Frodo knew about it, too. No one can convince me that Frodo didn’t know Samwise wanted dat ass.. I told you guys, don’t supplicate! Samwise was Frodo’s puppy. Don’t be Samwise.)
- DON’T project your own insecurities onto her. Just because you think she’s too attractive to be interested in you DOES NOT mean that she’s too attractive to be interested in you. Let’s do a meditative exercise: I want you to take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and imagine that you could be with whatever woman you wanted. You’d probably immediately start fucking the hottest girl you could find. It’d be great… for a while. As my 4th favorite uncle would say, “Show me a hot girl and I’ll show you a man that’s tired of fucking her.” It would eventually get old, you would eventually want to spend your time with someone you actually enjoy the company of. She’d still be beautiful, but she probably wouldn’t be the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. This is the process that attractive women go through. Sure, they fuck some super hot dudes, but eventually they realize they want something more. If you could have anything that you want, you’re going to choose what best meets your needs. I want a guy that’s witty, clever, kind, and eats pussy like it’s the last meal he’ll ever have. Of course I want to be attracted to him, but I don’t need him to be the most attractive man in the world. I don’t care if hotter guys hit on me, I want the guy I can share my life with.
- DO bring high grade bear mace with you to parks, woodland trails, and nature preserves. You thought the bear jokes were over? Guess again honey! Oh fuck, the honey attracted A HUGE FUCKING BEAR AND IT’S RUNNING RIGHT AFTER YOU! Did you run? Whoa man, you stood your ground? Noice! But in this instance, that was a terrible move because it was a Grizzly Bear and now it’s eating you because you should have been playing dead. Unfortunately, sometimes metaphors about bravery don’t apply universally to all situations…especially when it comes to bears! Play dead with Grizzly’s, fight for your life against Black Bears, and let’s work together to save the Polar Bears.
That’s a nice, feel good conclusion, right? I’m not sure how this blog devolved into a drug-induced haze about bears… but, uh, it is indeed what it has become. Anyways, have some confidence not only in yourself but in your conviction. I mean, hell, why on earth are you dating if you don’t want the opportunity to be with people you’re actually attracted to? Turns out dating is way less scary than bears and the fatality rate is much smaller.
Actually, I just Googled it, it’s more dangerous to be a woman in the dating world than it is to be in a forest full of bears. It’s cool though, you’re probably a dude so you’ll be fine.