Smash, screw, hoochie coo, schtupping, bumpin’ uglies, boning, taking someone to pound town, to know someone in the biblical sense, the beast with two backs, riding the bologna pony….let’s get sultry! Today is Valentine’s Day and I’ve been booked solid for a week with guys who are freaking out. Some of them are worried about whether or not a girl likes them, some of them are worried about how to ask her out on a date, but most of them are worried about how the night will end. It makes sense…Valentine’s Day is for lovers. The holiday’s origins date back to the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, which celebrated the coming of spring and included fertility rites and the pairing off of men and women by lottery. Fortunately the modern day Romeo doesn’t have to rely on chance to seal the deal. So let’s dive into how to know if she’s craving the D and how to leave her smiling with glee.
Here’s a shock to no one: when it comes to expressing interest, many women suck at using their words. It’s a by-product of socialization; know the difference between June Cleaver and Gal Gadot? 50 goddamn years. The phenomenon of women being allowed to be adventurous, sexual creatures is pretty fucking new. All that is not to say they aren’t telling you what they want. You just need to learn how to speak their language, and a woman’s native tongue is body language. This seems to be a challenge for the modern gentleman, and I get why. According to Consumers Advocate, 40% of couples meet online. Dating online is great (and I’m not just saying that because it’s my livelihood), but going from texting to reading nonverbal signals the first time you meet someone in person can be a little daunting. Lucky for you, you’ve got me on your side.
If she leans into you during the conversation, plays with her hair, exposes her wrists, maintains prolonged eye contact (do yourself a favor and Google “sex eyes”), finds a way to touch you, plays with the stem of her wine glass, straw, or other vaguely phallic shaped cutlery — she’s trying to show you that she’s interested. On the other hand, if she’s repeatedly looking down at her phone, constantly looking around the room, crossing her arms over her chest, or leaning away from you — probably not gonna happen, man. Once you learn to decode her body language, you’ll be able to read her like a book.
If she does use her words, make sure you’re listening. When conversation turns into flirty banter, she’s interested. If there’s a moment when the banter becomes a sexual tension that’s almost palpable, don’t look away, ride that high with her. These are the first stages of foreplay, she’s feeling you out and exploring your sexual connection. Panic is your worst enemy in this situation because it inhibits your ability to engage with her in a real way. As the date is winding to a close, don’t allow your nerves to get to you, because she’s going to subtly show you what she wants, and if you’re stuck in your head you’ll miss it. A woman who plans to go home alone after your date will move with purpose. She will probably take her keys out of her purse as she’s walking to her car, she may yawn a few times to indicate that she’s tired, or look down at her phone to indicate she has other plans. If she’s waiting for you to make a move, she’ll slow her pace, turn her body towards yours, and give you time to lean in for a kiss. If you’re still unsure, step closer to her. If she’s not into it, she will likely take a step back. If she’s interested, she will probably look up at you, or move closer. Start slow and work your way up — shoving your tongue down her throat usually isn’t a good move for the first kiss of the night. Be sensual, be playful, listen to her physically. Think of kissing as a dance: take the lead but be attentive to your partner.
The kiss is incredible, you pull apart, look into her eyes, and feel the magic in the air. Now is the moment. How do you ask for the night to continue? “I’m having a really nice time. Would you like to come back to my place for a drink?” You can also ask her back to your place to watch a movie, pet your dog, or look at your Nicolas Cage autograph. She isn’t saying yes to the drink, she’s saying yes to spending time alone with you. Speak in the present, if you say you “had” a nice time, you’ve ended the date. Instead, offer a fun continuation of what has already been a lovely evening. Most women who agree to go back to your place have already decided or are actively considering having sex with you. At the very least, it means she’s interested in spending time alone with you, which means that she likes and trusts you. Nice, man.
Over the coming weeks I’ll go over the other three parts of this blog series: foreplay, consent, and the big S word (sfucking). If you need help pimping out your dating profiles, creating chemistry, reading body language, or would like to get a gift card for a friend, hit me up.