Relationships are social contracts. The complexity of the relationship increases the complexity of the contract, but even casual dating requires mutual understanding. It’s how human beings develop a sense of safety and security in our environment. There are unwritten rules in place that keep everyone safe, right? Farting in an elevator is a shitty thing to do… we don’t really talk about it, but everyone knows it breaks a sacred oath. You make sure your breath is fresh before you kiss a first date, you don’t leave a microwave dirty in a communal office space, you don’t be stickin’ it in her pussy after you’ve been in her asshole, and you don’t fuck other people when you’re in a monogamous relationship.
Sometimes, people are assholes. Sometimes the person you thought was your soulmate has been mating with other souls. Sometimes Karen the elevator farter doesn’t clean up the fish curry that exploded in the microwave. Sometimes he sticks it in your pussy after anal and now you have to deal with a UTI for a week. Sometimes she tells you she wants to spend the rest of her life with you while simultaneously shitting all over your relationship by fucking some guy she met at a party two months ago. The Coronavirus has put a spotlight on relationships. Problems that would ordinarily take months or years to fester are coming to light after a few weeks of being trapped in a house with your partner, or forced distance is poking holes in your relationship. Have you been on Reddit recently? It’s full of the crashing and burning of relationships. This is in no way a doomsday message or an implication that your relationship is in trouble… but if it is, I’ve got you.
Sometimes, it just has to hurt. Love is complicated and fragile. Its survival is dependent on trust in the contract and trust in each other. If the person in your life has broken that trust, I’m really sorry. If you’re replaying scenes of her texting you sweet nothings while she’s in bed with someone else, or replaying all the times you were stupid enough to believe she was sleeping over at a friend’s house, stop. Distract yourself, watch a movie, talk to a friend, furiously wank it. She doesn’t deserve a spot in your head-space and torturing yourself isn’t going to give you clarity or closure. If it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room, stop trying to survive on the last remnants of it, and just get the fuck out of that room. Take a deep breath of fresh air, and focus on yourself. Maybe the relationship is over, maybe it can be salvaged, or maybe everything is a big jumbled mess in your head and you just feel broken, lost, and confused. Whatever the state of your relationship — you need to focus on you. Give yourself a break, take a self-care day or five. Gain some clarity and figure out where you’re at and what you need. In the meantime, I have compiled a list of things that you can do.
For When You Need to Lean Into the Anger:
- Turn on your loudest, most obnoxious music and dance like a crazy person
- HOT WINGS (whatever you do with them is your business)
- Call your friends and vent. You can even be unreasonable about it.
- Kill some bitches (in a PvP server of the game of your choosing). Take their shit too. And then shit on it. And then wait for them to re-spawn and be like, “hey, just so you know I shit on your stuff... a lot”
- Masturbate to some rough hate-fucking of your choice
- If your relationship is over, get yourself some virtual pussy (WARNING: REAL PUSSY MAY CONTAIN COVID-19)
For When You Need to Lean Into the Sadness:
- Ice cream
- Cry it out, man
- Talk to someone you trust
- Watch various Nicolas Sparks movies. Ones where she dies in the end. Bitch. But also you miss her.
- Mindlessly play a grinding game while feeling very sorry for yourself
- Read books full of cock-hungry virgins with tiny pussies and huge tits
- Drink copious amounts of alcohol and bitch to friends + late night laughter/tear filled shenanigans
For When You’re Ready to Reflect:
- Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, even when it hurts. Bottling it up and getting wasted only works for so long. You need to acknowledge the hurt, validate your feelings, and take inventory of where you’re at.
- Create a list of boundaries for how you expect to be treated: a list that is entirely independent of the relationship you’re in. This is the contract you have with yourself. Don’t break it for anyone.
- Talk to a counselor. There are several online resources available with licensed therapists.
- And if you’re hurting and need a little pick-me-up, send me a message and I will send you a photo of my new puppy. She is very, very cute.