The Biggest Mistake You’re Making on Dating Apps
“To Err is Human”, or at least that’s what Alexander Pope said. Sure, he was one of the greatest poets of all time, but he was also kind of a jerk and he knew nothing about online dating. When it comes to dating apps, “To Err is to buy a ticket to Left-Swipe Town. Population: You”. It’s a bit longer and less profound than Mr. Pope, but it’s also a lot more helpful. When it comes to bios, the biggest problem I see with clients time and time again is qualifiers. Qualifiers are a death sentence, and you probably have a few of them in your profile. There are two types of qualifiers, and I regularly see both of them. We’re going to go over Direct Qualifiers today and I’ll cover how to spot Indirect qualifiers next week.
There are two important things to be aware of when you’re writing your bio, and you need to understand both of them in order to fully grasp how detrimental qualifiers are to your profiles.
- Most attractive women on dating apps have an abundance mentality. They have more matches than they can reasonably manage, which means that they swipe left casually and frequently. Think about it like this: you’re the hiring manager at your company, and you get 50 resumes for a position you’re hiring for. Of those 50 resumes, 20 of them are perfect for the job. Same qualifications, same education, same references. Obviously, you can’t hire all 20. Instead, you’ll probably nitpick the hell out of their resumes until you’ve whittled it down. Women on dating apps are doing the same thing. It’s brutal, but alas it is inevitable. Let’s make sure to avoid taking ourselves out of the running.
- There is often a gap between what you’re trying to say and what you’re perceived to be saying. Always, always, ALWAYS, consider how you will be perceived. She doesn’t know you. The only information she has about you is the blurb in your bio and what she can discern from your photos.
Ok, so now that we have the prerequisites out of the way, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.
The most common kind of qualifier I see is of the “I want” variety. If you have a sentence in your bio that starts with, “I want”, “I’m looking for”, “swipe right if”, or anything else that places an expectation on her- then I’m sorry to tell you that your profile has been infested with qualifiers. Spray down the area, burn your sheets, and start over.
“I’m looking for someone I can laugh for hours with on our first date”
“Let’s grab Chinese food and talk about life”
“If you love hiking and music festivals as much as I do, Swipe right”
“Looking for someone who’s passion can match my own.”
“I want pussy.”
Some of these qualifiers are subtle.. some not so much- but all of them will decrease your match rate. What if she’s funny but also an introvert and will be kinda shy on the first date? She’ll swipe left because she may perceive that you’re looking for an outgoing comedian. What if she hates Chinese food but is otherwise perfect for you? What if she hikes occasionally but she assumes you’re going to drag her on hiking trips multiple times a week? I’m not trying to say that you aren’t allowed to talk about your hobbies- but can you see the difference between, “I like hiking” and “I’m looking for someone who likes hiking.”? It’s perfectly fine to talk about your interests. The problem is when you place an expectation on her in order to qualify for matching with you.
I Don’t Want…
The “I don’t want” qualifier is significantly more damaging than the “I want” qualifier because it adds the element of perceived assholery.
“Please don’t match with me if you are overweight”
“I’m not interested in women of [insert race] (or I’m only interested in [insert race]”
“If your bio is empty don’t even bother matching me”
“I’m not going to follow your Instagram so don’t even try”
“If you’re going to ghost after we match, don’t bother”
“I’m so sick of this bullshit. Only message me if you’re actually interested in dating”
I get these a lot from clients. I get it, you’re incredibly frustrated. Online dating can be brutal and disheartening. However, using “I don’t want” qualifiers will repel the very women you are looking to match with. You are losing the potential to match with every woman who is offended by what you wrote. I don’t know a single woman who would swipe right on a guy who makes comments about racial preference or overweight women on his profile. Additionally, a dating profile is not an appropriate place to vent about the frustrations of online dating. You have a very short period of time to express to her, through your dating profile, who you are as a person. If you spend it complaining you will be perceived as a complainer. Make sense? No one wants to go out on a date with someone who seems perpetually pissed off.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: It is completely ineffective. I repeat: it is COMPLETELY ineffective. You will not attract more fit women by stating that you’re only looking for fit women. You will not attract sincere and genuine women by stating that you’re sick of empty bios. Please listen to me carefully here: The reason you are not getting compatible matches is because your dating profile is not competitive. The only way for you to increase the quality of your matches is to improve your profile. You’re still going to see profiles of women you aren’t interested in, but when you increase the quality of your profile you will also start matching with women you are interested in, because you will be more effectively showcasing the features that make you a bangin’ romantic partner.
In conclusion: qualifiers = bad. Increasing the quality of your profile = good. If you aren’t getting matches with people you’re interested in, you can make an appointment with your friendly dating consultant and she’ll get you sorted (it’s me. I’m talking about me).