Want a girl to respond to you? DON’T do these 5 things — Dating Advice by Chloe

Advice by Chloe
4 min readNov 1, 2019

So you’ve matched with a girl you’re into… but now you have to talk to her. This is where A LOT of guys mess up, so let’s break it down. Here are 5 of the top things guys do wrong when writing their initial message.

  1. DON’T start off your message by referring to her as a pet name. A lot of women don’t like it. It’s fine to tell her that she’s beautiful, but don’t say, “hello beautiful”. Don’t call her cutie or honey or baby or babe or anything else that is not her name. It’s inserting a level of intimacy into the conversation that we don’t feel comfortable with yet.
  2. DON’T start off your message by asking her how her day, week, or weekend is going. This is the most common initial message women receive. If you ask what she is up to this weekend, what her plans are this week, or how she is doing today, you are unnecessarily risking getting ghosted. She gets this message 50+ times per day, so it’s super easy to just skip past your message and move on to something she finds more interesting.
  3. DON’T send a copy-and-pasted message. It’s always super obvious. Pick-up lines can be cute, but they usually aren’t and we’ve almost definitely heard yours a hundred times. Don’t send a copy-and-pasted block of text telling her about yourself and what you’re looking for, we know that you send this to every girl. Writing an individual message to each girl requires a little more effort, but the increase in response rate is pretty incredible.
  4. DON’T make it sexual. Even if she’s DTF, you have to put in a little effort. If you immediately make it sexual, we assume that you’ll have sex with anyone who responds to you. When it comes to dating, girls have options. She can sleep with most of the guys who’ve matched with her with very little effort and she’s going to choose the guy who she thinks wants to sleep with her, not the guy who is desperate for sex and would sleep with anyone. If you immediately make it sexual she’ll assume you’re just looking for a body to put your penis inside of, will cum super quickly, won’t bother to get her off, and then ghost her until next Friday at 1am.
  5. DON’T ask her out immediately. She’s talking to dozens of guys and will likely ignore your message. She has no reason to go out with you yet, she’s not sure if she’s interested, and no one wants to waste a Friday night on a bad first date. Talk to her and get to know her, charm the ever living hell out of her, and then ask her out. You should always ask her out when she’s most likely to say yes to you, not in your first message to her.

Men and women have different experiences with online dating. The most common problem men face is not getting enough matches or getting low-quality matches while the most common problem women face is getting an onslaught of low-quality messages. Clearly, one of these problems is worse than the other (sorry guys)- but you still need to take her experience into consideration when messaging her so that you can anticipate her behavior. An attractive female will receive 50+ matches per day, which means that she probably has 30+ unread messages in her inbox right now. Responding to messages starts to feel like a chore for women, especially when we’re having the exact same conversation dozens of times a day.

Your primary obstacle is that she’s overwhelmed with the number of messages she has and hates having the same conversation over and over again.

Your goal should be to get her attention. You want her to notice your message as something shiny and unique in a pile of the same old muck. If you want to learn how to compose an initial message that will dramatically increase your response rate, you can check out my services, make an appointment, or read what other guys have been saying about me.


Originally published at https://www.advicebychloe.com on November 1, 2019.



Advice by Chloe

Dating consultant who got her start on Reddit. I write about dating and relationships and I’m always trying to make dating easier for dudes. AdvicebyChloe.com